Monday, August 1, 2011

Backstage at WWF Wrestling Superstars

ROAD MANAGER: OK, up next, we got Brutus Beefcake against the Brooklyn Brawler. Give us about 3 good minutes guys, Brutus knock him out with a clothesline and get a clean pin....


ROAD MANAGER: Yeah, and we're going to push that new angle. Got it, Brutus?


BROOKLYN BRAWLER: He's gonna stand over me and kiss his muscles, right? That'd be good... oh, wait, maybe he can hit me in the head with the ring bell! The crowd would eat that up!

ROAD MANAGER: Yeah sure, maybe next week.... Anyways, Brutus, just cut his hair like we discussed. OK, next match, we got Koko B. Ware against...

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: Whoa-whoa! He's gonna do what?

ROAD MANAGER: Cut your hair. And by the way Brutus, do a really bad job, leave 'em looking really bad.

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: What? Why would he cut my hair?

ROAD MANAGER: We're going to work a new "barber" angle for awhile, see how it goes. Get a good chunk Brutus, so it shows up on camera when you drop it to the canvas.

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE: Got it... I'll get a big clump right off the top.

ROAD MANAGER: Great. Anyways, Koko, we want you to find some kid near the front row and put your bird on his arm. Really get the crowd going...

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: (interrupting) I'm sorry, I was just thinking about the end of the match... instead of cutting my hair, Brutus could just give me a couple good kicks to the ribs. Ya know, really give me the business! And hit me over the head with the bell! I think the crowd would love that, I can't stress that idea enough. Ya know... instead of cutting my hair.

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE: I can kick him in the ribs...

ROAD MANAGER: (exasperated) You're not going to be Brutus "The Rib Kicker" Beefcake! Just cut his goddamn hair! And do a bad job, for chrissakes!!!

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE: Bad job, got it.

ROAD MANAGER: OK, Koko, I'm sorry. Put the bird on the kid's arm...

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: (interrupting again) Sorry to interrupt again, but I'm getting the feeling that you're really committed to this crazy "barber" idea. Now, I've already stated on the record that I think the crowd would prefer to see a good kick in the ribs and a nice braining with the ring bell, but let's agree to disagree on that! OK, Brutus is going to be a "barber". That's fine, too. Let's maybe set up a comfortable reclining barber chair at ringside, and maybe Brutus can give me a nice hot towel on the face for a few minutes, ya know, to open up the pores. Then, he can give me a nice straight-razor shave... and let me be clear, this is a major sacrifice on the part of my character! The Brooklyn Brawler is hardly the Brooklyn Brawler anymore with a nice, professional, straight-razor shave! I'm not Ted Dibiase! Am I right!?!

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE: (shrugs in mild agreement)

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: And then Brutus can give me a little trim on the side and top, and if we're compromising here, I think it's only fair if you let me let Brutus hit me over the head with the ring bell when he's finished with the trim! Let's compromise, it can't just be me giving everything here!

ROAD MANAGER: Is that all?

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: I think it will be great.

ROAD MANAGER: (to Brutus) Cut his hair like we discussed. And.... hit him with the ring bell, or whatever.


BROOKLYN BRAWLER: I got kids I have to go home to...

ROAD MANAGER: Well, they'll appreciate the paycheck you bring.

BROOKLYN BRAWLER: (existential sigh)